And it's so perfect... [December 25th, 2009 at 12:46am] ambyxlee [ mood | restless ] [ music | Pursuit of Happiness - Kid Cudi ] Merry Christmas. Wish it was snowing. Big flakes that pack down on the ground fast and you can go out and play in it right away. v_v Work kind of ruins this holiday season for me. I work Boxing day. New years eve, and day. Fuck you, Safeway. Almost got fired, lol. Well, I wouldn't have been fired, but Kyla was going to attempt to write me up for failing a shop, which is illegal, but it wouldn't stop her from trying. I got my super fun rash that is itchy as hell and I don't know what the hell I'm allergic to again, this morning, lol, on my arms and face, fuck. I worked til 5:30ish and went to Margaret and Dad's. R & S were there. And kids of course. Tomorrow more family shit to do. God I love my family but I'll be happy when it's over. Well, Angela is out, and will probs see dad, but she's being all moody about it. Lol... I guess it's hard to forget grudges. Whatever people. When you die, do you want yer life to be full of hate, grudges and regret? So 2010... hoping it'll be at least a little better than 2009. What a fucking year. That's all I have to say about it. 2 songs I really enjoy right now, Meet me halfway by Black eyed peas and a song I just heard tonight for the first time, Pursuit of Happiness by Kid Cudi... good shit. Runnin' out of words, so I'm goin to do somethin else. Yeah yeah. ++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++ Tell me what you know about dreamin’ dreamin’ you don't really know about nothin’ nothin’ tell me what you know about them night terrors every night 5 am, cold sweats wakin’ up to the skies tell me what you know about dreams, dreams tell me what you know about night terrors, nothin’ you don't really care about the trials of tomorrow rather lay awake in a bed full of sorrow I'm on the pursuit of happiness and I know everything that shines ain't always gonna be gold I'll be fine once I get it, I'll be good. 1 / COMMENT.

Christmas Eve Day [December 24th, 2009 at 1:07pm] __she_says___ So I'm listening to a Christmas c.d. of rock songs. I like them. They're not all happy and cheery. Mostly about being lonely lol... however I'm not lonely but they are good tunes. The Killers, Weezer, The Darkness, No Doubt, some others. Gonna do a little bit more running around with Mel today. Some last minute gifts and then we're watching a Christmas movie and she's going home and I might stop by at my parents place. Last night was pretty chill. Did a bunch of housework and then got a text from Erin who was at Karaoke with Jessica and Ally so I went down for awhile. It was more exciting than what was originally planned for the evening (watching bad made for tv Christmas movies ha ha). I've decided to wear bright red pants today in the 'spirit of Christmas'.. lol. I just found them and hadn't worn them in awhile... but I'm afraid I'm chubby and look a little more like Santa than I would like. *shrugs* What can ya do? I haven't really pigged out this Season on the upside... well yet. But I think we're through the worst of it for the most part. We haven't been able to have anything around because of my dad. Perhaps that aspect is a blessing in disguise... as skewed as that may sound. I've been smoking like 10 fold seriously. Not good. I've REALLY turned into my mother... but I'm more social than she is. I think I'm gonna go for a smoke now. Merry Christmas. COMMENT.

Cancer Ruined Christmas [December 23rd, 2009 at 12:28pm] __she_says___ Ugh.... Cancer has ruined Christmas. AND holidays. I know I can't be mad, I'm not going through what he is... but I used to spend my time off with my Dad and now he's so tired. We used to go for lunches and now he can't eat... so we avoid food. We don't go out because it takes so much out of him. It's so depressing. I feel so lonely. My dad is one of my best friends and it feels like everything has changed. He's getting better and in fact he offered to take me for lunch today but I feel like an ass eating in front of him while he can barely swallow Kraft Dinner. He seemed to really want to so we'll see. I don't know how I feel about it but I want to spend time with him. I've kind of run away from everything involved with him or his Cancer. We've had no treats at my parents house. No Christmas goodies. Nothing. In fact I have barely been over there. I find it awkward and ... boring. He's falling asleep in a chair and my mom is falling asleep on the couch or smoking outside. Oh the excitement. I don't know what we did before. Perhaps, just even talk? I told my mom Christmas sucks. Had to be honest. She's gonna buy some Christmas treats and stuff but it just seems forced now. They're not made at home (I don't know if they ever really were though?). She's not really the Suzy Homemaker type to begin with. I just don't want them to try and create Christmas... a day or two before. Bah. Anyways.. my Christmas Spirit has come and gone so frequently this year. I don't know what I make of any of it. In fact Christmas itself has just snuck up on me in general. I can't even believe it Winter now. BLAH. Fuck you Winter. I hate it. I like Spring. Not too cold, not too hot... just right. Just cool enough to need a sweater, but too warm to wear a jacket. Perfection. Anyways, that's my rant. Should be cleaning the house but somehow always finding a way to avoid it. Seriously should get down to business though. I have a feeling it's gonna be a quiet night so I will probably start late and clean to the wee hours of the morn. Woo. Christmas Eve, no plans. Don't even know if I'm going to my parents place. We'll see I guess. Maybe I'll be religious for a night or something and go to church. *sigh* Ciao. COMMENT.

and so it is Tuesday. [December 23rd, 2009 at 1:06am] __she_says___ Hey-O. I update everyday and forget what I said the day before. Pretty much the same things over and over. My memory is HORRIBLE. I can't remember where I put anything and am constantly losing things but I suppose I have always been that way. The annoying thing is that things are generally in my purse or somewhere stupid. Exactly where they SHOULD be. Annoying. Anyways, finished the extra little things for Christmas today. Did scrap booky little tags for all the gifts and helped Mel with hers. Got her moms gift today and wrapped it up. We bought wines and things and when you mix them together you can make Sangria or drink them on their own. We thought it was pretty clever. We also bought all the other ingredients to make Sangria so we can have some a Christmas! haha. We're so smart. Went to Tisol and Big Dog Little Dog Bakery today too and go Kaia some Christmas presents. Damn trip almost cost me 50$! She got a sweet new bed thing for inside her Kennel, a new rubber bone toy thing for breath and it's tasty apparently and a new tough chew toy thing so that she won't shred it to pieces after a day. I'm excited for her! Also got Bubba (my brothers dog some snacks) so that's cool. Was a pretty good day today. :) After going to Holli's place last night I picked up Mel and we watched a movie and passed out. Did lots of running around today and watched the game and did arts and crafts wooo! Kaia is fricking adorable right now. She's passed right out. Awww. I have so much to do tomorrow. Ugh. Gotta do laundry, dishes, clean up the house and get everything organized for the crazy Christmas days ahead. Going to my parents place in the morning, then to Mel's place in the morning/afternoon and then up to Walnut Grove to a family friends place for dinner. Sounds like a Jam packed day. I can't believe my holidays will be over before you know it. I wish I took them at another time though. I usually spent them with my dad and I can't really right now because of the situation. He's really tired all the time although his condition is improving HUGE everyday. I just wish I saved my time off to go away somewhere or something. I could easily be at work right now and I know it's quiet around there for the holidays. Oh well. What can ya do? Anywho, that's pretty much what's gone on over the past day. I should crawl into bed and get some sleep before my big day begins tomorrow. Goodnight. COMMENT.

Just a few days. [December 22nd, 2009 at 10:40am] __she_says___ So this is kind of fun. I'm watching CSI and updating my journal from the couch. Oh technology, how I love thee. My phone acts as a rocket stick and I can plug it into my laptop and it tethers the internet. It's pretty sweet. Went to Holli's new place yesterday and had some dinner and spent some time with her and Spence and met Spence's parents. They have the cutest Scottie ever. She's little and white and her name is Zoey. Oh my goodness she was adorable. Today Mel and I are going to the Fort Winery to get a gift for her mom for Christmas and then we're watching the hockey game later. So that's kinda cool. I'm looking forward to that. I still have heaps of laundry to do which I have been avoiding for days. It's so annoying. I really just don't want have to fold and put it all away. Ugh. And I have to do loads of sheets and they are such a pain in the ass. In other news, I take time off work and I get three phone calls today asking me questions. Don't get me wrong I like the people I work with and tend to hang out with them outside of work sometimes but holy hell. Seriously it's not that hard to answer some of those questions without bugging me at home. I just want to forget about work for a little bit. *sigh* In other news I saw my Dad yesterday. He dropped off some stuff (which is a big deal since he doesn't go out all that much at the moment because he's so tired) and his neck is healing up so quickly and he's starting to gain his energy back. He hasn't been able to eat anything solid in almost a month and a half but he's starting to try new things little by little. Nothing solid but he tried a little bit of pepsi the other day. That was HUGE. Anyways I have to get ready for the day. Ciaoooo! :) COMMENT.

Definitley 5 days till Christmas. [December 20th, 2009 at 11:59pm] __she_says___ Watched a silly 80's zombie movie. Kind of funny though. Finally wrapped the last of the presents. I got some last minute stuff for my mom and dad. Digital keychains and I loaded pictures of family and friends on each one for them. I thought it was a nice added little thing to do for them. Saw my dad today. He's feeling a bit better but still rough. He even tried to take a sip of Pepsi today! He's been living on 'ensure' and water for the past six weeks. I was so proud of him. Slowly but surely. I guess we'll just have to wait to make sure everything went as planned with his treatment. I'm actually sort of getting excited for Christmas however this rain is sucking some major ass. It's coming in buckets. Holy hell. Not a fan. Errrmmmm.... oh yes! I re-did all the photo's in the hallway today. They've been laying empty on the walls since... ermmmm.... I think April? Wow eh? I finally went and got new pictures printed of Kaia, friends and family. Lots of family. :) I'm pretty stoked about it. It looks nice and I got some new pictures for my desk at work. It's finally becoming MY desk. I'm on holidays so I don't have to go to work tomorrow. WOOOOOO. I'm pretty freaking stoked about that. Thank god! Anyways, I have to write Jess and e-mail about some stuff I forgot to do before I left. Goodnight. COMMENT.

Nothing that makes sense ever works out. [December 20th, 2009 at 3:10pm] ambyxlee [ mood | lazy ] A long December and there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember the last thing that you said as you were leaving Oh the days go by so fast And it's one more day up in the canyons And it's one more night in Hollywood If you think that I could be forgiven I wish you would Na na na, yeah The smell of hospitals in winter And the feeling that it's all a lot of oysters, but no pearls All at once you look across a crowded room To see the way that light attaches to a girl And it's one more day up in the canyons And it's one more night in Hollywood If you think you might come to California I think you should Na na na, yeah Drove up to Hillside Manor sometime after 2 a.m. And talked a little while about the year I guess the winter makes you laugh a little slower Makes you talk a little lower about the things you could not show her And it's been a long December and there's reason to believe Maybe this year will be better than the last I can't remember all the times I tried to tell myself To hold on to these moments as they pass And it's one more day up in the canyon And it's one more night in Hollywood It's been so long since I've seen the ocean I guess I should Na na na, yeah COMMENT.

Oldies, but... interesting. Wouldn't call them Goodies. [December 20th, 2009 at 1:56pm] __she_says___ I found a book with some old poetry... back when I could actually write things worth reading. I thought I would record them here... Editors notes: These are all very old poems. From a past relationship. I've recorded them to look at and find somewhat amusing and also saddening at the same time. It's strange to think about where my mind was at, at this time. Some of these were written just before Janice's death and some just after. My mental state was deteriorating. I was on and off of a drugs and looking for anything to save me whether it be a person, place... thing... moment... ray of sunshine... cup? .:. Forgotten Poems .:. Nov 29th/06 Ever hear your thoughts so loud you swear someone else will question them? Sometimes I forget I'm being so silent I talk as much in my thoughts as I do in my constant face to face ramblings. I constantly write poems in my thoughts and am thoroughly frustrated when I get pen to paper and all is lost. I bet they hide behind my retinas, in the crevices of my ears and underneathe my tongue... .:. Pride .:. How is this pride that seperates us? How can this invisible force be so powerful that you lay in bed and I stare out the sliding glass door knowing full well the answers lay within this room and not beyond it. This same magnificent force, so strong it keeps you pinned to the living room couch and tosses me into the shower I don't really want to take. Ah yes, pride... it has become such a dirty thing. We can lay in each others arms and be the furthest away, quite amazing acutally. It can swallow lovers whole. Keeping them within and arms length of what they really want the most, but skewing their thoughts and visions so profoundly that they aren't even angry about what they were angry about in the first place... they're angry they've wasted so much precious time of the arms that comfort them so. but now they're too proud to say it. .:. un named .:. How can a hole this deep ever be of beauty again? How does my heart manage to beat when all it wants to do is bust? When everyone around me has fallen to their knees or turned to run... Where do I turn? I feel like standing stationary does no justice to the feelings screaming inside of me... But I can't remember how to walk... talk... to function at all. Dear God, Please send guidance, we're gonna need a helping hand. .:. Sigh .:. Dec 6/06 You sigh, I smile You smile, I sigh We, both with sore hearts We choose to love although broken our hearts continue to beat. Their unkempt rhythm matches in tragedy. .:. Best Left Unsaid .:. There are some things best left unsaid some things better said but left unheard. There are some things that are better left on the tips of tongues, clenched in jaws, some things drowned out by music or by useless chatter among friends, among aquaintances... some things .:. Belong .:. We belong, In times of doubt, feel your lips, and remember me there, as we belong. .:. Ex .:. There is a silent understanding. The one where she calls, you don't answer, I wince, the voicemail beeps. And I can see it in your eyes, a memory or two, and I can't take that away As much as I want to replace, I know better. There are no replacements in this life. Only new experiences used to aid us in future decisions. Never regret, only reference... right? I stopped the phone calls... When will you? When will she? God only knows. .:. I believe you .:. I believe you when you say, anything really. Sometimes I wish I didn't. But I want to hear those words from your lips so badly. Once just isn't enough. You've wet my apetite with words of love as they seep out of your mouth and burrow themselves in my ears, in my heart. But if I wish hard enough do you just reply? Or do you mean it? Sometimes your hands say it when your voice refuses and your eyes when your hands wander away. Each as good in value as the other but sometimes I find myself comparing each in doubt. .:. October 9th 2006 .:. The day my future [past] took shape. She walked up to the car opened her mouth and her eyes and stole my heart It was a robbery. A welcomed robbery. I'm not sure whether to call her a thief? or a saint? Equipped with piercing pupils Words like honey and a kiss that shocked me into bliss. I lost my footing. .:. Strange .:. The human condition. The words hidden in cupboards, under cup. In the space occupied by juice, this love, so immense negated by my flailing arms The fury he called it. What a smart man. The one sent reeling when I'm losing you. The one that burns in my stomach waiting. because I'm scared. Because I love you and you don't believe ME. "She never loved you" which means I don't love you. Not once have I ever though of leaving you in pain like she did to me... I'd never leave you on the floor... in a ball. How would you know though? You don't. You can't? My heart burns. COMMENT.

half past three [December 20th, 2009 at 3:28am] __she_says___ Just got home a bit ago. I'm always so happy to see my puppy!!! Slept in today (thank god). Went to Envy with Mel, Kaela and Julian. Watched some bands. Helped out doing coat check. Slept in coat check a little towards the end. Was a long night. Always is in there. So freaking colllldddddd. Can't believe Christmas is almost here. Also stoked that my holidays have begun... well technically do on Monday. So weird not having to get up for work... and also being off AND getting paid for it! Hallelujah!!!! Anyways, I don't have much of an update. Just trying to get myself out of the 'overtired' state and back into the sleep state. Good night. COMMENT.

Hump day. [December 16th, 2009 at 10:51pm] __she_says___ Oh my god... holidays so close I can almost taste them. So much to do between now and then. AHHH! But excited nonetheless. Wrapped the last minute presents I got tonight. My tree looks so exciting!!! Like it did when I was a kid. Yay! Tired. Canucks lost. That sucks. Three wins in a row though so that's pretty good. *yawn* I'm tired. Just a brief update. I need to clean again. Playing guitar hero, wrapping presents and playing trivial pursuit on the regular leaves the house in shambles not to mention two dogs running around. Thank goodness for holidays. Much love, Chantelle COMMENT.

Back to reality..................... [December 16th, 2009 at 9:19pm] ambyxlee [ mood | okay ] [ music | God of Wine - Third eye blind <3 ] So my last post I see was a little on the down side. My birthday weekend/5 days off was pretty good, as shitty as I felt at the beginning of it all... I reaaally just wanted to curl up and die. My dinner, a lot of people bailed/couldn't make it for various reasons. So I was pretty down as fuck at first, then it ended up being not so shitty. I wish the people who missed it had been able to come, but I know how it is! <3 Spent the weekend hanging out with various friends, playing the new games we got. Super mario for wii, and DJ hero. Yeeees. Also Band hero earlier in the week. <3 So fun. I do miss my Rock Band collection at times for the shit load of songs I had... Band hero needs Third eye blind though. That band is my lifeline sometimes. I can just turn em on and be okay for a while. Broke as fuck though, now. In the minus in a few places. LOL. Xmas shopping is pretty much done though. Stupid xmas. ROBS YOUR LIFE. Today, first day back at work, wasn't bad... a good day you could say, I felt in a pretty good mood... which was weird and surprising. Shows how I have been feeling before... kind of scary. Getting used to being that sad is not a good thing. I hope feeling okay starts sticking. *****************GOOD SONG******************* Let me go I'm only letting you down I 've got nothing to say to you now I lose the feelings that are weighing me down When I'm safe It's turning morning all the birds sing I'm not complicating anything I'll have another then I'll go to bed But I'll dream of you Cause it's almost over And it's almost gone And I can feel the sweet illusion, coming Sweet confusion, honey Sweet illusion coming down And I ain't got nothing but love for you now You and I used to shine like a jewel But times been nothing to us but cruel So play it out and never played the fool Cause you'll lose every time We were nothing, we were only the past Hard times like that don't last I've been forgiven, I've been surpassed By my heart Have you? Cause it's almost over Yeah it's almost gone And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming Sweet Confusion, honey Sweet Illusion coming down And I ain't got nothing but love for you Love for you I can't use And lonely nights multiplied by the blues That I can't resolve You never knew me but I did my best I'm just lonely inside I guess You gave me everything you really tried Thanks.... If we were nothing and we're only the past Then I'm just living in a dream I guess A long black dream that takes me down the river to you Where it's almost over And we're almost gone And I can feel the Sweet Illusion coming Sweet Confusion, honey Sweet Illusion coming down. COMMENT.

Washing the necessities... [December 15th, 2009 at 11:34pm] __she_says___ Listening to the washing machine. Only have my work jacket and my Canucks sweater in there at the moment. Hopefully it can dry for tomorrow. Fuck. Probably not. Well the sweater will by tomorrow night but not my work jacket.... all I can do is hope I guess. Anyyyywayyyysssss. Had a great night. Finished my Christmas shopping, had some delicious dinner, did some grocery shopping and watched a movie. :) Quite content at the moment. There are lots of presents under my tree and It's starting to feel like Christmas. Holidays start in just a few days... oh my god it will be amazing. I totally forgot about them. I just hope I get to enjoy them as much as possible. Gonna book my next holidays for a few months from now to go to Australia. Anyways.... time for bed. Goodnight. COMMENT.

Dear Debt... [December 14th, 2009 at 11:57pm] __she_says___ Well, I've managed to spend money I don't have but it was all in good fun. Strange how quickly you can piss money away and not do a whole lot. Well that's a lie, it was all in doing something. I'll pay it back. Already have started and Christmas, that bitch... stole about 500$ at least so far. Almost done though. Went to the Canucks game tonight with Jessica. It was fun. Not terribly exciting though and both of us have drank and partied WAY too much in the past few weeks so we took it easy tonight. So far the Canucks have won every game tha I've gone to! (That would be 4, for those who are counting haha). I picked up some of Mel's Christmas present at the Canucks store tonight and I have to get the rest of it this week sometime. I get paid tomorrow although I know it's all going to pay off what I've spent over the holidays thus far. YAY I'm on holidays starting this Friday. WOO. 10 days off in a row WITH PAY. Fucking rights. It will be so nice to have to do NOTHING however when I come back I'm walking right into month end. Lovely. I'll try not to think about it and attempt to get some things in order before I'm off for the week. We shall see. I should sleep though because I have to leave for work early tomorrow due to this shitty shitty weather. Fuck. I hate how it slows everything down, is uncomfortable and dangerous on top of it. Fucking 'snow'. It's not even SNOW damnit. It's like frozen disgusting pelting ice shards from the sky. Ick. Anyways, goodnight. So much to do and say but I'm sleepy and need to get some rest before tomorrow shows up with a vengence. Ciao. COMMENT.

+ - + [December 13th, 2009 at 10:28pm] __she_says___ Journal exists, Journal doesn't exist, Journal exists. Sometimes I just need to write. Watched some movies today. Had a productive day, slight hangover but a good weekend. Cuddling, fun, drinking, games, bought and wrapped everyone's Christmas gifts except for Melissa's. Still trying to figure that one out. Played some guitar and filed my nails super short (almost freaks me out a little) so that I can play better guitar. Nails are such a pain in the ass for that. My Christmas tree looks so much better with pretty wrapped gifts underneath it. Had a donair for the first time tonight. What a revelation eh? haha. I thought it was big news lol. Work tomorrow... blah. Hockey game tomorrow night with Jessica. I've been super lucky to attend so many games this season. It'll be a busy day with all the snow and shit. Hopefully I can get to and from work and to the skytrain for the game in a timely manner. Frig. People don't know how to drive in this weather and it BARELY snowed out. Goodness me. Went to the mall with my mom today to get my brothers Christmas present. Frigging Ed Hardy t-shirt cost me 100 bones. Can you believe that? Almost died but that's what he wanted so I made sure to get it. Talked about my dad a bit today. He's in pretty bad shape right now. My mom said that he's saying he's doing better than he is (which we figured he would). The radiation has now burnt his neck and he's in a lot of pain. It looks pretty bad. Almost scary. I hate it. He's got three treatments left and then he has to wait six weeks to heal before they can put the scope down his throat to see if it's all gone. More torturous waiting. Ugh. Annoying. I hate thinking about it at all but I also hate being ignorant to everything that is going on too. It's such a weird situation for me. It's just not supposed to happen. Anyways, should probably end this. I have to reply to an e-mail and get some sleep. Didn't get much last night. Went to bed at 4 and got up at like 8. Goodnight. COMMENT.

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